Before becoming a mother, a woman has expectations in her mind about how it will be.

For example, she may think “I’ve always wanted to have a strong career throughout my life.” However, when the time comes to head back to work she is consumed by heart wrenching longing to be with her baby.

On the other hand another woman may have always wanted to stay home with her children, yet three months in she has a realization she would like to go back to work. There are many variations in between. This is just one example of where the space between reality and expectation may fall.

In this space, thoughts creep in such as “I did not expect it to be like this.”/ “Why am I feeling this way?”/ “Does this make me a bad mother?” / “So many other women do it, why is it so hard for me?

I invite you to have self-compassion when you are experiencing this space. The truth is, all mothers are new mothers first and having not been there before, how does one know what it will be like? I assure you that these thoughts and feelings are common. It can be helpful to be aware of the difference between expectations and realities. Letting go of self-judgement during this time is important.

It does not make you a bad mother if want to work or a bad career woman if you want to stay home. Just different than you thought.

You are not less of a mother if it is harder than expected or more of a mother if it comes easy. Just different than you thought.

It doesn’t mean you won’t have a wonderful relationship with your child if it takes time to bond, when others say it was an instant connection. Just different than you thought.

Different than you thought is not “good” or  “bad”; just different.

This article about self-compassion gives a list of 15 times a parent can use self-kindness instead of criticism.

Here is another article about 20 ways to use self-compassion instead of criticism.

Be kind to yourself in this space mama.

Creating a Wellness Plan

In the first post of this series the question was posed: Why is wellness so important for mothers? After reading about the six dimensions of wellness, what do you think?

If you need a refresher about the six dimensions, click here.

My answer to the question is this: Mothers are amazing caregivers. For everyone else. Often a mother will leave her health last and end up feeling drained and exhausted.

If you take time to care for your needs and find wellness, you can become a more effective caregiver. Happy mothers play with their kids more. Happy mothers care about healthy relationships with partners. Wellness is not a luxury. Self-care is an essential part of being an effective caregiver. YOU MATTER MAMA. If you read through the whole series, you know that wellness does not have to take a ton of time. It engaging in small activities to create balance in your life.

Create your wellness plan

Step 1: Write down the six dimensions of wellness and try to think of one activity that you currently engage in to enhance the dimension.

Example:

Physical: I walk in the evening

Emotional: I am effective at identifying feelings

Intellectual: I read a couple times per week

Spiritual: I pray with my son at night

Occupational: I enjoy working with people at my job

Social: I spend time with family on weekends

 

Step 2: What is your best dimension? Which could use the most improvement?

Example:

Best: I am doing really well with my emotional wellness

Needs improvement: My physical dimension needs some work (this will be your focus dimension)

 

Step 3: Create a SMART goal for your focus dimension

Example:

My focus dimension is physical. I walk for physical activity but my nutrition and sleep could use some improvement. I will focus on sleep.

During the first week of August, I will be in bed by 11pm, at least 4 days out of the week.

 

Step 4:  Assess your goal at the end of the time frame you set for yourself.

Example:

I made it to bed 3 days by 11pm. I will work on this goal again next week.

 

Step 5: Once you feel your goal has become easier/part of your routine, choose a new goal and focus dimension.

 

The main idea is to be aware of the various areas of wellness and notice when one of them is lacking. When one dimension is deficient, it can affect all areas. We as humans, have the tenancy to hyper focus on certain dimensions, so others are neglected.

For example a common goal among women is to lose weight. A woman may become stuck in a cycle of dieting, exercising, and then losing all motivation. She may find that her motivation for losing the weight stays higher, and therefore have more success, if she creates a balanced wellness plan that does not focus only on the physical dimension.

Wellness for Mothers Series

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Spiritual Wellness

Spiritual wellness includes finding meaning in life, living your values and connection. The journey to spiritual wellness is unique for individuals. This dimension often vastly varies from person to person. What fulfills one person may not another. When it comes to spiritual wellness, do what works for you. The following are some ideas to try:

1. Take a walk outside in nature. Being around a great body of water, sunsets or hiking through the woods can engage your spirituality.

 

2. Try a guided meditation. This can help with relaxation and connection.

 

3. If you are religious, engage with your church. Pray and attend services.

 

4. Spend some time alone simply reflecting about meaning and purpose.

 

5. Discuss spiritual wellness with a loved one and what it means to each one of you.

 

My spiritual wellness has been heightened since I became a mother. Motherhood has helped me feel a sense of purpose beyond myself. It amazes me that my body was able to create a whole person. The process caused me to reflect on what a miracle the process truly is.

Wellness for Mothers Series

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Occupational Wellness

Occupational wellness is about living your purpose in life. Are you a stay-at-home mom who feels fulfilled by this calling? Are you working in a job outside of the home that you love? If you answer yes to either of these questions, you probably have high occupational wellness. However, if you feel like something is missing in your pursuit of purpose, you could possibly use a boost in occupational wellness.

Occupational wellness is about self-exploration. It is difficult to decide what your calling is if you are unsure of who you are. The following are some tips to enhance your occupational wellness.

1. Explore your work values. Values tends to stay consistent over time. If you choose an occupation that matches what you value, satisfaction often increases.

 

2. Take a personality assessment. Personality is a set of traits that stay consistent over time. Again, if you match your personality with a matching occupation, you will feel happier.

 

3. Take an interest inventory. Finding your purpose that matches your values, personality and interests, can lead to fulfillment.

 

4. Use your results of your self-exploration to see what is out there. There are so many varieties of occupations that you many not even be aware of. Two great resources are O’Net online and the Occupational Handbook.

 

5. Read books. Two books that I really enjoyed about finding your purpose are by author Dan Miller. They are No More Dreaded Mondays and 48 Days to the Work you Love.

 

6. Finally, remember mama, you are already doing the most important job in the world (in my opinion). Raising your tiny humans.

 

Wellness for Mothers Series

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Emotional Wellness

Emotional wellness is how a mother handles stress and is in touch with her emotions. Motherhood is full of ups and downs including happiness, sadness, anger, frustration and fear. All of these emotions are normal. However, it is important to be aware of various emotions and stressors to be able to channel them in a productive manner.

Take anger for example. If someone is very reactive with anger it can be a destructive emotion. If it is acknowledged and dealt with properly, it can be constructive.

The following are ways for a mother to work on emotional wellness:

1. Name feelings. Think or say to yourself “I feel sad right now” or “I feel frustrated right now”. As simple as it sounds, acknowledging the exact feeling you are having can prevent build up and strong reaction over time.

 

2. Use progressive muscle relaxation with strong emotions. This involves tensing up muscles intentionally, then letting the tension go. You can start with your feet and work up to your head.

 

3. Use deep breathing for taking a moment. Inhale slowly and deeply through your nose, then out through your mouth. Focusing on breathing physiologically slows your mind and body down.

 

4. Embrace positive emotions! As a mother, when I feel happy, I often find myself thinking “This won’t last, what is going to happen next?” and it can ruin the great feeling. Knowing that of course, you will not be happy forever, and embracing the times you are can make a big difference. It is those moments that will bring you through the difficult times.

 

5. Talk about feelings with your kids and name their feelings so they can own them. There is a great show on PBS called Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood that often has lessons about feelings. The more you talk to your kids about their feelings, you can become aware of your own.

 

6. Take time to do what you love. It could be hiking, art, movies, exercise, window shopping or more. Whatever you love to do, do it! These activities will help positive emotions.

 

Wellness for Mothers Series

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8